An unbiased report on the wisdom of using
so-called 'essential' oils in conjunction
with real medicine.
Prepared
for LK by PACW June
2015
[title
page combined with first page so as to conserve paper and/or
electrons]
As
with any scientific paper prepared by a Liberal Arts Major college
drop-out; latitude should be given for use of sarcasm and/or
hyperbole.
A
note regarding methodology: As with most of my research I began this
project by Googling the basic premise in question. Then I followed
the links, looking up words and people I am unfamiliar with.
Originally I disregarded any source that had poor spelling, poor
grammar, or poor understanding of basic science and/or logic. Which
left me with two websites – one of which was a dotgov. By using a
lower standard of inclusion I had many more sources to draw from.
It
is considered necessary for anyone in the 21st century who
has an opinion to fully disclose any conflict of interest. Unless
they are environmentalists - who are excused because they just care
so much about the planet. I can report that I am not funded by
Big-Pharma. Or anyone actually. I do read a magazine published by
the Reason foundation. The Reason foundation receives donations from
the infamous Koch brothers, but I don't. I am also not obliged in
any way to Big-Snake Oil. Nor am I a government proselytizer; the
FDA is just one of many government agencies I would like to see
dismantled. I am beholden only to the truth. And maybe the laughs.
For
a simplified and musical summation of the distinction between
alternative medicine and traditional medicine the best source
available is the beat poem, Storm,
written and preformed by Tim Minchin. Link is below and lyrics are
at end of report.
Go
ahead, I'll wait while you watch it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parameters
of Question:
Aromatherapy
– helpful, harmful, neutral?
Essential
oils as aromatherapy - helpful, harmful, neutral?
Essential
oils delivered via dermis - helpful, harmful, neutral?
Essential
oils taken internally - helpful, harmful, neutral?
Aromatherapy
has no legal or medical definition. As the name suggests it is
therapeutic and involves aromas. Likewise, there is no national
aromatherapy certification or licensing body. Some groups offer
their own certification programs; but who certifies the groups? A
list of groups can be found in the appendix. Assuming we haven't had it removed.
The
American Cancer Society and other interested parties have studied on
aromatherapy as a compliment to standard therapy. Much of the
research measures cortisol – the hormone released during stress.
Other research relies on self reporting. Which requires us to
question whether people can be trusted to accurately and honestly
gauge their own sense of well being.
Here
is a claim that makes my head hurt, “An international team of
scientists, including researchers from Johns Hopkins University and
the Hebrew University in Jerusalem, describe how burning frankincense
(resin from the Boswellia plant) activates poorly understood ion
channels in the brain to alleviate anxiety or depression.”
Isn't Ion Channel the station that shows the TV show Numb3rs?
So
the truth about aromatherapy is pretty conclusive. People who are
asthmatic or otherwise sensitive to strong scents find little help
from aromatherapy, particularly in instances where it interferes with
breathing. People that enjoy sitting still, breathing deeply and
steadily, and smelling pleasant fragrances often find aromatherapy
relaxing. And according to much medical literature being relaxed is
more therapeutic than choking and gagging.
CONCLUSION:
Aromatherapy would probably help, somewhat. If you're into that sort
of thing.
*personal
note from researcher: not all aromatherapy has to be candles and oil;
a husband who smells like sawdust can be very healthy. A husband or
child willing to bake bread and let the smell waft through the house
is also very healthy!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To
this point we have been discussing generic aroma therapy.
Increasingly the term Aromatherapy implies the use of essential oils.
It
probably comes as no surprise to people who have read this far, but
there is no legal or medical definition of essential oils. Essential
fatty acids are so named because they are ESSENTIAL to the human
body. According to the people who sell them, Essential Oils are so
named because they are the 'essence' of the plant.
Oh
oh, according to a competing website the name has a different origin,
“The term “essential oil” is a contraction of the original
“quintessential oil.” This stems from the Aristotelian idea that
matter is composed of four elements, namely, fire, air, earth, and
water. The fifth element, or quintessence, was then considered to be
spirit or life force.” I thought Leeloo was the fifth element
but what is important is that these oils come from plants.
As
one website extolled, “because our luxuriously pure essential
oils are extracted from nature’s most generous trees, herbs,
plants, seeds and fruits, yada yada yada.” Some people might
be hesitant to buy medicine from someone who confuses The
Giving Tree with the Physicians
Desk Reference but we're not here to judge. Well, we are
here to judge, just not to be judgmental while we are doing it.
One
may wonder why the inhalation of essential oils is anything more than
a pleasant moment, much like smelling Brut cologne on the guy who
brings the crystal water bottles to the office. You now, the one with
the tight blue shirt who always has a smile and . .
Where
was I? Oh, the magic/science of essential oil aromatherapy. Here is
how one website explained the process, “Other senses like touch
and taste must travel through the body via neurons and the spinal
cord before reaching the brain whereas the olfactory response is
immediate, extending directly to the brain. This is the only place
where our central nervous system is directly exposed to the
environment. That is why inhalation directly affects the central
nervous system.”
According
to my sources this is not how the CNS works. Which I maintain is a
good thing because we kinda want to keep that protected. {My sources
include not just the internet but also my son's girlfriend, Shadow,
who is starting ASU next month as a pre-med major}
Another
benefit to using essential oils as aromatherapy is this interesting
assertion: “In this day and age, the reality is the bacteria and
viruses are growing stronger and ever more resistant to
anti-bacterials, vaccines, and antibiotics! But, there’s hope!
Researchers at Weber State University created a controlled
environment and released 16 different germs into the air including
bacteria and viruses. They diffused essential oils into the air and
within 12 minutes the germs were dead.
Research
has shown that by diffusing a cool mist of therapeutic-grade
essential oils, bacteria and viruses are killed on contact. The oil
is vaporized into a micro fine mist maintaining the oils natural
compounds to destroy the life-threatening viruses and bacteria.
Research published in 2009 “Letters to Applied Microbiology”
noted diffusing a simple blend of lemongrass and geranium essential
oils resulted in an 89% reduction in the airborne bacteria count in
the normal office environment. The essential oil vapors will also
inhibit the growth of bacteria on surfaces.”
I
was not able to access the specific studies mentioned, but Weber
State and Letters to Applied
Microbiology appear to be both real and reputable. I
found other synopses that had similar assertions. So I looked
deeper. Where I discovered studies showing the same results using
smudge sticks. [Smudge sticks are handfuls of twigs – frequently
in the sage family – that are tied into a neat little bundle and
then burned. They are traditional spiritual items used by
Native-Americans and Spiritually Inclined Lesbians. After continued
reading I found another study citing similar results with plain
incense. I imagine the essential oil cartel was incensed by these
findings.
Part
of the difficulty determining the veracity of information is that the
science articles are too technical for me to judge, while the oil
people write with too many exclamation points and too many scientific
fallacies and just complete nonsense. Luckily we are not looking for
antibacterial fumes,we are looking for a cure for cancer.
All
of the commercial essential oil websites (and blogs by disinterested
third parties who may or may not be selling the oils and may or may
not be part of an affiliate program) stress the importance of buying
quality oils, while acknowledging that there are no standards by
which to judge quality. Or Purity – which is so important that
many websites capitalized it. Apparently aromatherapy candles and
drug store essential oils are great evils brought to us by greedy
corporations. Whereas their organic, fair trade, sustainably
harvested products are expensive because of the quality and hard work
that goes into the product. No mention was made as to whether these
'ethical' companies were making a profit or if they were as
'generous' as the juniper plants that gave us their essence.
{For
readers who may think the author is being rather too flippant may I
point out that for all the talk about 'essences' no reference has
been made yet to Dr. Strangelove.}
The
companies that sell essential oils also sell dispersers. Which are
$70.00 gadgets that aerate and poof the little drops of oil into the
room. Some oil people like to use warming devices. Most
professional oilers claim that heating the oils kills the good stuff.
One distributor [not to be confused with a dispenser] stated
emotionally, “If you use heat, the heat tends to alter the
chemical composition of the essential oil which can destroy it’s
purity and therapeutic value. Plus, the size and availability of
breathable molecules are mostly filtered out by the nose hairs and
nasal cavity.
Using
a nebulizing diffuser (like the Aroma Classic) does not alter the
chemical composition of the essential oil and it produces a particle
size small enough for the lungs and body to absorb them rapidly. This
is the only method of diffusion that creates particles small enough
to reach the deep part of the lungs.”
Of
further note, the essential oil people and the Scentsy hot wax people
are apparently at odds. The essential oil people think the Scentsy
people are too common and use substandard ingredients. The Scentsy
people don't like the essential oil folks because they pour their oil
in the Scentsy warmers and start fires.
CONCLUSION:
Essential
oils as aromatherapy – For all the breathless excitement about how
powerful these oils are I did not find any warnings or any strange
bits that made me fear for your safety if you allow oil to dissipate
into your space. The essential oil folks claim that using Scentsy
wax or regular candles will give you cancer and Alzheimer’s (or was
it Parkinson’s?) and give your kids ADHD so you may want to take
that into consideration when deciding between a six dollar candle and
a thirty dollar bottle of basil oil.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Essential
oils delivered via dermis - helpful, harmful, neutral?
Okay,
it's starting to get good. The oil brokers emphasize that for dermal
(skin) application one must mix a so-called carrier oil with the
essential oils since the EO's are so highly concentrated. In fact
every other essential oil website repeats the amazing news that “In
fact one drop of peppermint oil is as effective as 28 cups of
peppermint tea!”
Sometimes
the word 'actually' is used instead of 'In fact',
sometimes there are only 25 cups of tea, and some times there are
multiple exclamation points; but the point is that essential oils are
powerful. So powerful that they might burn or irritate the skin if
applied without dilution. All the while being completely safe and
natural.
Oh,
and there is this: “YL recommends that you avoid contact with
EO's and sensitive areas such as eyes, ears, genitals and mucous
membranes.”
YL
stands for Young Living – which as near as I can tell is the big
dog in the yard. Which reminds me, essential oils are also promoted
as being great for dogs. And horses. But not cats.
But
back to skin contact. Not the skin on your back – that discussion
comes next. There don't seem to be many rules for where on your body
you should rub your oils. There are ones that make you super
susceptible to sunburn - mainly the citrus based oils - that they
recommend you rub someplace the sun doesn’t shine. So to speak.
For
babies and toddlers they recommend the soles of the feet. Which is
troubling.
According
to www.Cancer.Gov “Lavender and tea tree oils have been found
to have some hormone -like effects. They have effects similar to
estrogen (female sex hormone) and also block or decrease the effect
of androgens (male sex hormones). Applying lavender and tea tree oils
to the skin over a long period of time has been linked in one study
to breast enlargement in boys who have not yet reached puberty.
It
is recommended that patients with tumors that need estrogen to grow
avoid using lavender and tea tree oils.”
The
cancer government then goes on to claim, “Several clinical
trials of aromatherapy in patients with cancer have been published
with mixed results.” A page later they add “No studies in
scientific or medical literature discuss aromatherapy as a treatment
for cancer specifically.” So even if one were inclined to
believe the government; which statement should you believe?
I
have come across several references to a study (or studies?) that
show promise treating brain tumors with frankincense; but when I try
to find a source [that isn't that spice trader from Somalia] I only
find references to bladder cancer. In mice. Not actually mice, more
like mice cells in petri dishes. But it looks promising.
How
exactly the oils benefit the human body is very poorly explained
across the web.
One
website claimed, “These therapeutic oils in plants protect the
plant from insects, shield the plant from a harsh environment and
help them adapt to their surroundings. By taking essential oils you
are harnessing the protective and healing powers of a plant.”
So
a plant spends millions of years evolving and developing properties
that protect it from animals. We animals concentrate this power and
rub it on our bodies. We are now protected.
And
this: “Essential oils are composed of very small molecules that
can penetrate your cells and some compounds in essential oils can
even cross the blood-brain barrier. They differ from fatty oils (like
those in vegetables or nuts) that come from large molecules because
they cannot penetrate your cells so they are not therapeutic in the
same manner.”
Crossing
the blood-brain barrier is a good thing now? Maybe God and/or Darwin
put it there for a reason! Like protecting the brain!
Here
is what Doctor Joshua Plant has to say about his company's product:
“This cell activity and permeability testing has produced very
impressive results. We’ve been able to document the oils entering
the cells, and also how they affect the various components of the
cell – the lysosomes, mitochondria, Golgi apparatus and so forth.
These clinical experiments have shown that the oils do indeed
initiate specific and beneficial responses in the cell.”
I
imagine if one is going to buy plant essence, buying it from Doctor
Plant makes sense. But I guess I want to know what specifically they
are trying to initiate in my mitochondria.
Maybe
this explanation will help: “we’ve invested millions of
dollars to develop a highly sophisticated, patented process that
tracks at a sub-cellular level how the essential oils enter human
cells and what effects they’re initiating.”
Well,
on one hand this is just more marketing poetry – but I will give
them points for using the word 'effects'. Much of the world has
given up trying to use effect/affect correctly and have switched to
the word 'impactful'. The essential oil industry is particularly
guilty of this.
I
can't be the only one asking what the oils actually do. In fact I
would imagine it would be a Frequently Asked Question. But no. Some
FAQ's come close:
Do
Essential Oils contain Enzymes?
This
is a much disputed concept however, we know that they contain the
blueprint for enzyme activity or an energetic signature. And that
they have the ability to stimulate enzyme activity in the body and
therefore, the support the body in making more enzymes!
Energetic
signature? Hmnn, I think I read something about energy. Here we go:
“Interestingly
enough, the frequency of essential oils are actually some of the
highest frequencies known to man. They create an environment in which
disease, bacteria, virus, fungus, etc., cannot live and are several
times greater than the frequencies of herbs and foods. Therefore no
anti-cancer program would be complete without the introduction of the
appropriate essential oils.”
This
nonsense went on for ages and pages. Then it got goofy:
“Another
man drank the coffee and his frequency dropped from 66 MHz to 52 MHz.
After inhaling the pure therapeutic grade essential oil, his
frequency returned to 66 MHz in just 21 seconds.
In
another case: A man’s frequency dropped from 65 MHz to 48 MHz when
he simply held a cigarette. When he smoked the cigarette, his
frequency dropped to 42 MHz, the same frequency as cancer.”
So
I'm thinking that maybe I didn't need to quit smoking after all. . .
I just needed a high frequency oil.
I
am not quoting these people just to be mean; I'm simply trying to
illustrate that 'science' apparently means different things to
different people.
Of
course there are also the proponents that like oil because it is old
medicine and biblical. Seriously.
“The
Hebrew word for anointing means to rub or massage a person with oil.
This meant using healing oils of the Bible, not vegetable oil to
bless that person on a physical and spiritual basis. True anointing
is another lost art and science. Jesus’ feet were anointed with oil
several times in the Bible. see Luke 7:36-50 and John 12:1-8.”
AND
“23
“Take the finest spices: of liquid myrrh 500 shekels, and of
sweet-smelling cinnamon half as much, that is, 250, and 250 of
aromatic cane, 24 and 500 of cassia, according to the shekel of the
sanctuary, and a hin of olive oil.” Exodus
30:23-24 English Standard Version
That
isn't a hint of olive oil, it is a hin. Or about 4 quarts.
If
the science sounds bogus, and the religion is unconvincing to some,
is there any middle ground?
“Oils
help us to connect to our divine source and delete negative emotions
on a cellular level.”
CONCLUSION:
There is not adequate science to defend the widespread application
of essential oils. Except. Except Essential Oils may be all organic
and free of 'chemicals' but they are chemicals. As is everything
else. And many oily, plant based chemicals do something to the
human body. Turmeric almost caused Charli to bleed out. Clove oil
is the best toothache medicine in the history of toothaches.
Coca-cola syrup is great for nausea in toddlers. Eucalyptus makes
breathing more fun. Citronella repels mosquitoes. Cinnamon oil in
your lip gloss gives you 'bee stung' lips. Ginger quells nausea.
Garlic wards off creatures of the night. Witch Hazel helps keep acne
in check. Willow bark gave us aspirin. And Rosemary made Monti's
bread the stuff of legends.
All
of which makes me want to see more real science being done in this
area. It would also make me somewhat willing to try something in the
family of oils if a sane sounding person recommended it. But I would
not be comfortable using essential oils on a child. Or an old
person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Essential
oils taken internally - helpful, harmful, neutral?
In
discussing the oral use of essential oils we need to jump back to
topical use for a moment. (No not tropical, topical. I loved Banana
Boat suntan oil as much as the next person but try to stay focused
here!)
We
discussed earlier that Essential Oils should be mixed with carrier
oils (almond oil, grape seed oil, coconut oil, anything but vegetable
oil) before being applied to skin. Apparently some practitioners in
some circumstances use the EO's undiluted. There is a very
specific game called 'raindrop therapy' where drops of undiluted
essential oils are dropped on the naked back of the patient. There
is an entire protocol of which oils, in which order. The therapist
drops the oils directly along the spine, starting at one of the lower
vertebrae. There are also wet towels between layers. This treatment
does wonderful things, including curing scoliosis. Because these are
straight oils there is some heat involved. In fact the description
of the treatment sounded very S&Mish.
The
companies and practitioners that don't practice RDT are very adamant
that it is tantamount to malpractice. Because apparently these very
safe and natural and side-effect-free oils are dangerous if used
improperly!!!
Seriously,
all the oily people admonish us to use the oils only as directed.
But directed by whom? Remember, there is no controlling authority.
And even the certifiable practitioners are certified by an
uncertified school or business. So when they promise us that these
oils are safe when used properly, and there is no agreement
whatsoever on proper use, it is almost an empty promise.
Generally
the folks that are against RDT are also against oral consumption.
The divisions are not stone walls so much – more like playground
groups.
The
arguments against drinking water with EO's added are similar to the
non-diluted use arguments.
Here
is a fun quote from one of the salespeople that encourages drinking
the oils, “Be sure when you use essential oils internally that
you drink them from a glass container.”
I
have this mental image of the oil eating through a red solo cup. I'm
sure that's not why they say to only use glass but since they give no
reason we have to guess.
CONCLUSION:
I would recommend extreme caution, I would never dose a child or an
elderly person with an EO beverage, but I would be tempted to try it
if a person I trusted recommended it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When
I began this research I had assumed I would arrive at one of three
possible theories; dangerous fraud, harmless but of no proven use, or
exciting new option. Instead I feel like I know less than when I
started.
This
report would not be complete without mentioning something that
disturbs me regarding Essential Oil sales. Many of these magic
elixirs are sold in an MLM format. Multi-Level-Marketing. Amway and
Avon for a new generation! Other options include Amazon, which has a
wide selection but has been accused on more than one site of
re-bottling cheap oils. The oils at Sprouts and Whole Foods don't
seem to have any die hard fans on the web. There are also many small
companies out there who apparently buy oil in bulk and re-bottle it.
This is either evil or cost saving – depending on where you are in
your internet oil expedition.
There
is a woo-woo shop here in Chandler. It is on Alma School south of
Warner. The people there are incredibly friendly. I have no idea if
they are any good when it comes to therapeutic stuff. But if the
oils don't work for you they have more proven treatments like
Crystals and Feng Shui Accessories.
Phone:
480.785.9065 Email: info@desertsageherbs.com
Monday
-Friday10-6 Saturday10-5 SundayClosed
Thank
you for the opportunity to work with you on this question.
The
following 3 passages from the Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center
do not fit in the report but I wanted to include them:
Recent
laboratory findings indicate that dietary turmeric may inhibit the
antitumor action of chemotherapeutic drugs such as cyclophosphamide
and doxorubicin in treating breast cancer. More research is
necessary, but patients undergoing chemotherapy should ask their
doctor if they should limit their intake of turmeric and
turmeric-containing foods.
For
example, there are reports of post-operative hemorrhage associated
with use of garlic.
Anticoagulant
drugs, such as warfarin, have a very narrow therapeutic range. They
can cause adverse effects and are prone to interact with other drugs
and dietary supplements. Herbs like ginger, garlic, turmeric can
interfere with anticoagulants increasing the risk of bleeding.
We
knew about the turmeric thanks to Charli – but the other bits were
scary.
Another
thing that isn't aromatherapy but that I wanted to touch on. . . . .
never ever touch Oleander Soup or DMSO! Not that I really think you
would but if someone tries to talk to you about either thing call me
so I can whack them upside the head. Hard.
Finally
I leave you with this bit of advice from the “Welcome
to Nightvale” podcast:
“Ask
your doctor which medication is right for you. Then ask about
personal feelings. Keep making conversation. Turing test your
doctor.”
Appendix
The
National Association for Holistic Aromatherapy is a 501(c)3 member
based non-profit association devoted to the holistic integration blah
blah and blah.
The
focus of the Certificate in Aromatherapy is holistic aromatology.
Holistic aromatology focuses on restoration of physical, mental,
emotional, and spiritual health through the application of essential
oils.
Graduates
from our "C.A. Certified Aromatherapist", or "C.C.A.
Certified Clinical Aromatherapist" or "C.C.M.A. Certified
Clinical Master Aromatherapist" programs who live in any country
in the world are able to join NAHA as a member. We offer payment
plans for the CCMA Certified Clinical Master Aromatherapist program!
The
term registered aromatherapist is used in the United States by
certified aromatherapists who have taken their level of training one
step further, in an effort to demonstrate their level of expertise to
potential customers and clients.
In
order to become a registered aromatherapist, you have to have
completed a minimum of 200 hours aromatherapy study with an approved
aromatherapy certification provider. Qualified applicants can then
apply to take the registered aromatherapist exam with the
Aromatherapy Registration Council (there is also a fee to take the
exam).
Aromatherapists
who pass the exam with the Aromatherapy Registration Council can use
the initials R.A. after their name on business literature.
(A
very pretty diffuser for $100.00)
Founded
in 2006, the Alliance of International Aromatherapists (AIA), a
501(c)(3) non-profit organization, is the professional organization
representing aromatherapists. AIA aims to increase awareness of and
expand access to aromatherapists, help its members build successful
practices, expand the body of aromatherapy research, and serve as a
resource for members, the media and the public.
(This
link is included mostly because the two pictures of the pediatric
nurse practitioner seem to send a mixed message)
"Black
Cumin heals every disease except death." -- The Prophet Mohammad
(so
obviously if you don't believe in essential oils you are an
islamophobe!)
I
love the brand and the oils. I have an infant and make lotion with
the lavender oil. I also make the lotion with frankincense and myrrh
for calming. Frankincense and myrrh has been used for thousands of
years. I continue to order this brand. I also burn the oil in my
home. It
kinda smells like church but it really is soothing. Hope
this helps.
We
work with a local non-profit (Kulshan
Supported Employment)
to
employ two differently-abled employees at Bramble Berry. Frank has
been with Bramble Berry for over four years in our Pigment and Micas
area. He does a thorough and meticulous job packaging your colorants.
Eric has been with Bramble Berry for a little over four years as
well. Eric works in our fragrance area, pouring sample fragrances. We
are proud to have this level of diversity on staff.
(An
anti - Rain Drop Therapy paper with quotes that sound like a kinky
sex guide)
Inner
North London, top floor flat
All white walls, white carpet, white cat,
Rice Paper partitions
All white walls, white carpet, white cat,
Rice Paper partitions
Inner
North London, top floor flat
All white walls, white carpet, white cat,
Rice Paper partitions
Modern art and ambition
The host's a physician,
Lovely bloke, has his own practice
His girlfriend's an actress
An old mate from home
And they're always great fun.
So to dinner we've come.
The 5th guest is an unknown,
The hosts have just thrown
Us together for a favour
because this girl's just arrived from Australia
And has moved to North London
And she's the sister of someone
Or has some connection.
As we make introductions
I'm struck by her beauty
She's irrefutably fair
With dark eyes and dark hair
But as she sits
I admit I'm a little bit wary
because I notice the tip of the wing of a fairy
Tattooed on that popular area
Just above the derrière
And when she says “I'm Sagittarien”
I confess a pigeonhole starts to form
And is immediately filled with pigeon
When she says her name is Storm.
Chatter is initially bright and light hearted
But it's not long before Storm gets started:
“You can't know anything,
Knowledge is merely opinion”
She opines, over her Cabernet Sauvignon
Vis a vis
Some unhippily
Empirical comment by me
“Not a good start” I think
We're only on pre-dinner drinks
And across the room, my wife
Widens her eyes
Silently begs me, Be Nice
A matrimonial warning
Not worth ignoring
So I resist the urge to ask Storm
Whether knowledge is so loose-weave
Of a morning
When deciding whether to leave
Her apartment by the front door
Or a window on the second floor.
The food is delicious and Storm,
Whilst avoiding all meat
Happily sits and eats
While the good doctor, slightly pissedly
Holds court on some anachronistic aspect of medical history
When Storm suddenly she insists
“But the human body is a mystery!
Science just falls in a hole
When it tries to explain the the nature of the soul.”
My hostess throws me a glance
She, like my wife, knows there's a chance
That I'll be off on one of my rants
But my lips are sealed.
I just want to enjoy my meal
And although Storm is starting to get my goat
I have no intention of rocking the boat,
Although it's becoming a bit of a wrestle
Because - like her meteorological namesake -
Storm has no such concerns for our vessel:
“Pharmaceutical companies are the enemy
They promote drug dependency
At the cost of the natural remedies
That are all our bodies need
They are immoral and driven by greed.
Why take drugs
When herbs can solve it?
Why use chemicals
When homeopathic solvents
Can resolve it?
It's time we all return-to-live
With natural medical alternatives.”
And try as hard as I like,
A small crack appears
In my diplomacy-dike.
“By definition”, I begin
“Alternative Medicine”, I continue
“Has either not been proved to work,
Or been proved not to work.
You know what they call 'alternative medicine'
That's been proved to work?
Medicine.”
“So you don't believe
In ANY Natural remedies?”
“On the contrary actually:
Before we came to tea,
I took a natural remedy
Derived from the bark of a willow tree
A painkiller that's virtually side-effect free
It's got a weird name,
Darling, what was it again?
Masprin?
Basprin?
Aspirin!
Which I paid about a buck for
Down at my local drugstore.”
The debate briefly abates
As our hosts collects plates
but as they return with desserts
Storm pertly asserts,
“Shakespeare said it first:
'There are more things in heaven and earth
Than exist in your philosophy'
Science is just how we're trained to look at reality,
It can't explain love or spirituality.
How does science explain psychics?
Auras; the afterlife; the power of prayer?”
I'm becoming aware
That I'm staring,
I'm like a rabbit suddenly trapped
In the blinding headlights of vacuous crap.
Maybe it's the Hamlet she just misquothed
Or the eighth glass of wine I just quaffed
But my diplomacy dike groans
And the arsehole held back by its stones
Can be held back no more:
“Look , Storm, I don't mean to bore you
But there's no such thing as an aura!
Reading Auras is like reading minds
Or star-signs or tea-leaves or meridian lines
These people aren't plying a skill,
They are either lying or mentally ill.
Same goes for those who claim to hear God's demands
And Spiritual healers who think they have magic hands.
By the way,
Why is it OK
For people to pretend they can talk to the dead?
Is it not totally fucked in the head
Lying to some crying woman whose child has died
And telling her you're in touch with the other side?
That's just fundamentally sick
Do we need to clarify that there's no such thing as a psychic?
What, are we fucking 2?
Do we actually think that Horton Heard a Who?
Do we still think that Santa brings us gifts?
That Michael Jackson hasn't had facelifts?
Are we still so stunned by circus tricks
That we think that the dead would
Wanna talk to pricks
Like John Edwards?”
Storm to her credit despite my derision
Keeps firing off clichés with startling precision
Like a sniper using bollocks for ammunition
“You're so sure of your position
But you're just closed-minded
I think you'll find
Your faith in Science and Tests
Is just as blind
As the faith of any fundamentalist”
“Hm that's a good point, let me think for a bit
Oh wait, my mistake, it's absolute bullshit.
Science adjusts it's beliefs based on what's observed
Faith is the denial of observation so that Belief can be preserved.
If you show me
That, say, homeopathy works,
Then I will change my mind
I'll spin on a fucking dime
I'll be embarrassed as hell,
But I will run through the streets yelling
It's a miracle! Take physics and bin it!
Water has memory!
And while it's memory of a long lost drop of onion juice is Infinite
It somehow forgets all the poo it's had in it!
You show me that it works and how it works
And when I've recovered from the shock
I will take a compass and carve Fancy That on the side of my cock.”
Everyone’s just staring at me now,
But I'm pretty pissed and I've dug this far down,
So I figure, in for penny, in for a pound:
“Life is full of mystery, yeah
But there are answers out there
And they won't be found
By people sitting around
Looking serious
And saying isn't life mysterious?
Let's sit here and hope
Let's call up the fucking Pope
Let's go watch Oprah
Interview Deepak Chopra
If you're going to watch tele, you should watch Scooby Doo.
That show was so cool
because every time there's a church with a ghoul
Or a ghost in a school
They looked beneath the mask and what was inside?
The fucking janitor or the dude who runs the waterslide.
Throughout history
Every mystery
Ever solved has turned out to be
Not Magic.
Does the idea that there might be truth
Frighten you?
Does the idea that one afternoon
On Wiki-fucking-pedia might enlighten you
Frighten you?
Does the notion that there may not be a supernatural
So blow your hippy noodle
That you would rather just stand in the fog
Of your inability to Google?
Isn't this enough?
Just this world?
Just this beautiful, complex
Wonderfully unfathomable, NATURAL world?
How does it so fail to hold our attention
That we have to diminish it with the invention
Of cheap, man-made Myths and Monsters?
If you're so into Shakespeare
Lend me your ear:
'To gild refined gold, to paint the lily,
To throw perfume on the violet' is just fucking silly'
Or something like that.
Or what about Satchmo?!
I see trees of Green,
Red roses too,
And fine, if you wish to
Glorify Krishna and Vishnu
In a post-colonial, condescending
Bottled-up and labeled kind of way
Then whatever, that's ok.
But here's what gives me a hard-on:
I am a tiny, insignificant, ignorant lump of carbon.
I have one life, and it is short
And unimportant.
But thanks to recent scientific advances
I get to live twice as long
As my great great great great uncleses and auntses.
Twice as long to live this life of mine
Twice as long to love this wife of mine
Twice as many years of friends and wine
Of sharing curries and getting shitty
With good-looking hippies
With fairies on their spines
And butterflies on their titties.
And if perchance I have offended
Think but this and all is mended:
We'd as well be 10 minutes back in time,
For all the chance you'll change your mind.”
All white walls, white carpet, white cat,
Rice Paper partitions
Modern art and ambition
The host's a physician,
Lovely bloke, has his own practice
His girlfriend's an actress
An old mate from home
And they're always great fun.
So to dinner we've come.
The 5th guest is an unknown,
The hosts have just thrown
Us together for a favour
because this girl's just arrived from Australia
And has moved to North London
And she's the sister of someone
Or has some connection.
As we make introductions
I'm struck by her beauty
She's irrefutably fair
With dark eyes and dark hair
But as she sits
I admit I'm a little bit wary
because I notice the tip of the wing of a fairy
Tattooed on that popular area
Just above the derrière
And when she says “I'm Sagittarien”
I confess a pigeonhole starts to form
And is immediately filled with pigeon
When she says her name is Storm.
Chatter is initially bright and light hearted
But it's not long before Storm gets started:
“You can't know anything,
Knowledge is merely opinion”
She opines, over her Cabernet Sauvignon
Vis a vis
Some unhippily
Empirical comment by me
“Not a good start” I think
We're only on pre-dinner drinks
And across the room, my wife
Widens her eyes
Silently begs me, Be Nice
A matrimonial warning
Not worth ignoring
So I resist the urge to ask Storm
Whether knowledge is so loose-weave
Of a morning
When deciding whether to leave
Her apartment by the front door
Or a window on the second floor.
The food is delicious and Storm,
Whilst avoiding all meat
Happily sits and eats
While the good doctor, slightly pissedly
Holds court on some anachronistic aspect of medical history
When Storm suddenly she insists
“But the human body is a mystery!
Science just falls in a hole
When it tries to explain the the nature of the soul.”
My hostess throws me a glance
She, like my wife, knows there's a chance
That I'll be off on one of my rants
But my lips are sealed.
I just want to enjoy my meal
And although Storm is starting to get my goat
I have no intention of rocking the boat,
Although it's becoming a bit of a wrestle
Because - like her meteorological namesake -
Storm has no such concerns for our vessel:
“Pharmaceutical companies are the enemy
They promote drug dependency
At the cost of the natural remedies
That are all our bodies need
They are immoral and driven by greed.
Why take drugs
When herbs can solve it?
Why use chemicals
When homeopathic solvents
Can resolve it?
It's time we all return-to-live
With natural medical alternatives.”
And try as hard as I like,
A small crack appears
In my diplomacy-dike.
“By definition”, I begin
“Alternative Medicine”, I continue
“Has either not been proved to work,
Or been proved not to work.
You know what they call 'alternative medicine'
That's been proved to work?
Medicine.”
“So you don't believe
In ANY Natural remedies?”
“On the contrary actually:
Before we came to tea,
I took a natural remedy
Derived from the bark of a willow tree
A painkiller that's virtually side-effect free
It's got a weird name,
Darling, what was it again?
Masprin?
Basprin?
Aspirin!
Which I paid about a buck for
Down at my local drugstore.”
The debate briefly abates
As our hosts collects plates
but as they return with desserts
Storm pertly asserts,
“Shakespeare said it first:
'There are more things in heaven and earth
Than exist in your philosophy'
Science is just how we're trained to look at reality,
It can't explain love or spirituality.
How does science explain psychics?
Auras; the afterlife; the power of prayer?”
I'm becoming aware
That I'm staring,
I'm like a rabbit suddenly trapped
In the blinding headlights of vacuous crap.
Maybe it's the Hamlet she just misquothed
Or the eighth glass of wine I just quaffed
But my diplomacy dike groans
And the arsehole held back by its stones
Can be held back no more:
“Look , Storm, I don't mean to bore you
But there's no such thing as an aura!
Reading Auras is like reading minds
Or star-signs or tea-leaves or meridian lines
These people aren't plying a skill,
They are either lying or mentally ill.
Same goes for those who claim to hear God's demands
And Spiritual healers who think they have magic hands.
By the way,
Why is it OK
For people to pretend they can talk to the dead?
Is it not totally fucked in the head
Lying to some crying woman whose child has died
And telling her you're in touch with the other side?
That's just fundamentally sick
Do we need to clarify that there's no such thing as a psychic?
What, are we fucking 2?
Do we actually think that Horton Heard a Who?
Do we still think that Santa brings us gifts?
That Michael Jackson hasn't had facelifts?
Are we still so stunned by circus tricks
That we think that the dead would
Wanna talk to pricks
Like John Edwards?”
Storm to her credit despite my derision
Keeps firing off clichés with startling precision
Like a sniper using bollocks for ammunition
“You're so sure of your position
But you're just closed-minded
I think you'll find
Your faith in Science and Tests
Is just as blind
As the faith of any fundamentalist”
“Hm that's a good point, let me think for a bit
Oh wait, my mistake, it's absolute bullshit.
Science adjusts it's beliefs based on what's observed
Faith is the denial of observation so that Belief can be preserved.
If you show me
That, say, homeopathy works,
Then I will change my mind
I'll spin on a fucking dime
I'll be embarrassed as hell,
But I will run through the streets yelling
It's a miracle! Take physics and bin it!
Water has memory!
And while it's memory of a long lost drop of onion juice is Infinite
It somehow forgets all the poo it's had in it!
You show me that it works and how it works
And when I've recovered from the shock
I will take a compass and carve Fancy That on the side of my cock.”
Everyone’s just staring at me now,
But I'm pretty pissed and I've dug this far down,
So I figure, in for penny, in for a pound:
“Life is full of mystery, yeah
But there are answers out there
And they won't be found
By people sitting around
Looking serious
And saying isn't life mysterious?
Let's sit here and hope
Let's call up the fucking Pope
Let's go watch Oprah
Interview Deepak Chopra
If you're going to watch tele, you should watch Scooby Doo.
That show was so cool
because every time there's a church with a ghoul
Or a ghost in a school
They looked beneath the mask and what was inside?
The fucking janitor or the dude who runs the waterslide.
Throughout history
Every mystery
Ever solved has turned out to be
Not Magic.
Does the idea that there might be truth
Frighten you?
Does the idea that one afternoon
On Wiki-fucking-pedia might enlighten you
Frighten you?
Does the notion that there may not be a supernatural
So blow your hippy noodle
That you would rather just stand in the fog
Of your inability to Google?
Isn't this enough?
Just this world?
Just this beautiful, complex
Wonderfully unfathomable, NATURAL world?
How does it so fail to hold our attention
That we have to diminish it with the invention
Of cheap, man-made Myths and Monsters?
If you're so into Shakespeare
Lend me your ear:
'To gild refined gold, to paint the lily,
To throw perfume on the violet' is just fucking silly'
Or something like that.
Or what about Satchmo?!
I see trees of Green,
Red roses too,
And fine, if you wish to
Glorify Krishna and Vishnu
In a post-colonial, condescending
Bottled-up and labeled kind of way
Then whatever, that's ok.
But here's what gives me a hard-on:
I am a tiny, insignificant, ignorant lump of carbon.
I have one life, and it is short
And unimportant.
But thanks to recent scientific advances
I get to live twice as long
As my great great great great uncleses and auntses.
Twice as long to live this life of mine
Twice as long to love this wife of mine
Twice as many years of friends and wine
Of sharing curries and getting shitty
With good-looking hippies
With fairies on their spines
And butterflies on their titties.
And if perchance I have offended
Think but this and all is mended:
We'd as well be 10 minutes back in time,
For all the chance you'll change your mind.”
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